Burns Night

So, I was at my swing dance class, the DJ didn’t turn up, I offered to play some stuff off my laptop. The decks were INCREDIBLE…all edged like the Tron lightcycles.

I plugged in and started to choose some tracks, spotify was taking ages to stream and some disabled douche started heckling me for having too much silence between songs. I ended up fighting him, I don’t even know why he was at a dance class…he clearly couldn’t dance. I also had amazing fight skills, I basically just got him by the neck, my hand was very big.

I got chucked out of the class because i fought the disabled heckler even though he deserved it.

It was at this point my dreams lost all their colour and were drawn on (as they happened) like a graphic novel. This started with me heading a surveillance team. People in a hot tub in the back of an articulated lorry all got shot by some gangsters, I was a detective, I survived by dressing as Catherine Zeta Jones in Chicago and holding my breath underwater. When i popped back up i’d left the graphic novel and had been living on a farm since i was a kid.

I looked after donkeys and dogs, that was my job, These donkeys were on long chains, way too long for my liking. I couldn’t control them and they kept wanting to bite my hands. I decided I was going to move out after the Border Collie’s I was looking after kept trying to steal the rings off my fingers and were biting my gums (wtf?). I arranged a lucrative property deal and ended up making quite a profit on my farmhouse.

When I was leaving the farm (ie: waking up) i came across a hidden playground where kids were all just getting around by doing forward rolls and shouting “cocka doodle doo!”. I tried to explain you only said cockadoodle doo when you did a roly poly off a cockerel but they looked at me as if i was insane.

King kong. 30s America. Hated mars bars.

Dingy hoisted up. Bashed. Chunks of meat. I’m water.

Only likes blondes. Gay powder.

Stood in symmetry

Chewed giant tablets which made you age rapidly, then die, but then end up in the future. Once there I had to find some thin Richmond sausages. While hunting through the freezer a man tries to rob the store.

(You’ll think I made this bit up)

I hit him across the face with a fish (salmon) and floored him.

I then spent hours trying to escape the clutches of a vampire lawyer by diving under water and trying to swim away.

The only way to get back to my reality was to find a Chinese bell. Luckily we had chewed our tablets in Chinatown. (that was my idea)

I woke up when it chimed

Jumped a fence into the sea at midnight, then swam underwater evading border patrol. I was with two other people we were still submerged through fear of gunfire. We started coming across other people. All trying to get past zombies. The zombies were blind so we used that to our advantage and swam past into a room eventually finding out we’d passed the first ‘level’.

Second level was to use milk crates on our feet and get through this small town only using the pavements. Wherever they were painted green I realised it was quicksand. One of my team mates got sucked under. I managed to complete level 2.

level 3 quickly turned into putting everything from a small rural town into a storage cupboard for when we played. I think I arrived too early because this seemed to be behind the scenes type stuff. Everything fit inside, cars and all.

It morphed into a work night out at a illusionist restaurant, where there were fountains that could be controlled only by the hostess. No-one else could bend them and make them create bubbles. There were lots of ooh’s, ahhh’s and wow’s from the crowd. I secretly figured out how the trick was done and felt pretty pleased with myself.

I tried to get out of this little prospecting town and level 3 as I’d heard it was between me and one other and it was to the death! I figured since I didn’t even want to be there I’d scarper.

There was only one way of leaving (since everything was in storage) and it was by moose. It would take 4 days and $75. I decide to try.

We get 1 day out of town and get ambushed. Loads of kids graffiti our cart and run off. I decide to get off and give up. I find a motel but sleep in a car seat that’s outside. I get found and taken back. I then wake up.